A Few Good Developers


FADE IN

A drab conference room where a group of people in business casual attire are sitting around a desk in their Scrum "retrospective" meeting. Tensions are high. The root cause of a new bug was identified to be a recent change to some legacy code...

Project Manager: Did you use refactor the legacy code?!

Scrum Master: You don't have to answer that question!

Developer: I'll answer the question. You want answers?

Project Manager: I think I'm entitled!

Developer: You want answers?!

Project Manager: I want the truth!

Developer: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has code, and that code has to be maintained by people with text editors. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Certified Scrum Master™? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the legacy code and you curse the development team. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know, that the legacy code's refactoring, while risky, probably increased code quality. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, increases code quality! You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me refactoring that code. You need me refactoring that code. We use words like "agile", "TDD", "craftsmanship". We use these words as the backbone of a life spent shipping software. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a stakeholder who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the functionality that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said "thank you", and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you open vim, and send a pull request. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

Project Manager: Did you refactor the legacy code?

Developer: I did the job that—

Project Manager: Did you refactor the legacy code?!!

Developer: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!

FADE OUT

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